DICK VAN DYKE, DIAGNOSIS MURDER, AND WALNUTS

 

The name of
the episode of Diagnosis Murder is called "Retribution: Part One". I'm in it about
twenty minutes in. I got a whole 47 seconds of air time. Which is a lot.

Here's the whole story:

I used to have AOL and my friend, casting director Victoria Burrows (Castaway, Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Tales From The Crypt)  did too. I was on-line saying hello to her one morning and she asked if I wanted to come read for her. In all the years I've known her, I never asked to audition for anything. I didn't think it was right to trade on the social friendship and I didn't consider myself an actor at the time.

About 2 weeks prior to this, she asked me if I could get her some adult videos, since I worked in the industry as a writer); knowing what I was doing. I showed up at her valley office with about 2 dozen videos. Anyway, she IM's me and asks if I want to read for this two line part and I said sure.

I asked her what the part was and she tells me it's a porn director. I write back that she has to be kidding and she said she wasn't. I asked her if this was her little inside joke and she said yes.

I get the "sides"; the audition scene; and the lines are "Cut. Okay, let's move in close as she undoes his belt buckle" which is phrase I have never heard uttered on any porn set I'd ever been on!

The day of the audition I end up with a classic actor's dilemma. I had no head shots, I had to find the floppy disc with my acting resume on it and update it. I honestly stood in front of my closet assessing my wardrobe with a little voice running through my head saying "What's their concept of this character? What should I wear?" That same voice came back with "What the fuck would you wear to the set, asshole?" I picked a ripped pair of jeans and a black tux shirt.

As I drove to the audition I was mentally convincing myself they'd never hire a non-union actor for this part. No way were they going to Taft-Hartley me for this. No way in hell. Now, I also had another video to give Victoria where I did a parody of a well known porn director, in a manila envelope.

I arrive early, which is one thing that has never changed about me. I'm notoriously early. Scott Borland, Vic's partner comes out and says, let's go in. I wasn't nervous about it. I didn't need the job so there wasn't a whole lot riding on this audition. I go in and there's Vic, Christian Nyby II, the director (who's father directed the sci-fi classic "The Thing From Another World") and two other gentlemen, who I learned later were the writers/producers.

As I sit, I'm trying to decide how to read these two stupid lines and the scenario I come up with is that it's 5 PM, I'm tired, and this is the million-and-oneth time I've directed the "Cable Guy Scene" and I want to go home.

I slumped down in the chair, arms hanging limply over the arm rests, feet stretched out in front of me, my reading half-glasses propped on the end of my nose and read the line, my voice trailing off to almost nothing.

The room fell apart with laughter. I turned around to see if someone had walked in behind me, but no one had. I just destroyed them all. I left the room and once I got outside, I was thrilled to know that I could "play in the big sandbox" after twenty years of wondering. I could've cared less if I'd gotten the damned part. I was just thrilled to know I did a great audition.

I went home and at 6:30 that night, Vic called to tell me I got the part.

A bit I left out: When Vic called to tell me I’d gotten the part, I asked her if the director and producers knew what I did for a living. She told me “After they picked you, I told them, well, he’s a friend of mine and he writes porno movies, and they just thought that was great!”

The day before of the shoot, which was about a week or so before Thanksgiving 1997, I get a knock at my door and a messenger was there with the script. It was a little surreal since I’d spent so much time doing exactly the same thing for years while working messenger: delivering scripts to actors.

The day of the shoot, I pulled out the same clothes I’d worn to the audition, packed up a back pack with whatever I thought would be necessary. Not knowing the schedule, I planned on being there the entire day and headed off to the studio. I had a 7:45 AM make up call.

The studio in question is located on Balboa in Lake Balboa, I think. I wasn’t nervous and the studio had a parking lot separate from the studio itself. I parked there and a dark red van picked me up and drove me to the studio.

As I got up to get out of the van, I stumbled, catching the toe of my shoe in the carpeting and started to fall out of the van. My arms were full of my stuff and I instinctually put out my left hand and grabbed the door jamb and swung out of the van like a gate and slammed into the passenger door, hitting my head, then collapsed down on left leg (the bad one). I was lucky I didn’t break it. There were about three huge Teamsters standing around watching all this who didn’t make a move to help me, just gawking and asking “You okay, man?”

The Assistant Director or Production Manager rushed over; thinking lawsuit, I’m sure; and helped me up. A Production Assistant came over and escorted me to my trailer (Honey wagon), and the P.M. sent over an ice pack to put on my head. I sat in the trailer thinking “this isn’t a good omen...Then the P.A. came over and took me to the wardrobe trailer.

I’d already changed into what I‘d worn to the audition, but I went to wardrobe anyway.  Inside the trailer was this skinny guy who looked like a fugitive from Woodstock; only cleaner; with hair down past his ass. He looked around, even though we were the ones around, then looked at me, leaned in and quietly said “Even though it’s a porn, you are the director”, and proceeded to hand me a pair of charcoal grey dress slacks and suspenders. That, along with the black tux shirt I was wearing made me look like Larry King going to a funeral!

As I headed off to make up, all I could think of was “They ain’t got a clue.” I got to make up without further incident and got in the chair and just closed my eyes, wondering what other disaster was going to befall me. Suddenly, I heard the trailer door open and I heard a somewhat familiar voice say, “Oh hi. Are you our Larry Flynt?”  I opened my eyes and saw Dick Van Dyke standing there. I just grinned.

He came over and shook my hand and got into his chair and suddenly said, “You know, that would be a real funny inside joke.”

 “What’s that,” I replied.

 “We should put you in a wheel chair.”

I thought, hey, whatever. I’m getting scale, and said, “Sure. Why not.”

He came back with, “Hey, we’re a hospital. We’ve got wheel chairs!”

I felt very relaxed by this time.

As I got up to go to the set, I told him I’d brought him a present.”A present?” he said. I told him I’d give it to him on set and headed back to my trailer.

A little

history here: One of my favorite episodes of the Dick Van Dyke Show has to do with Kolack of Twylo, Absorbitron, and walnuts. This particular episode opens with Rob and Laura watching a science fiction movie and Rob starts teasing Laura because she gets all weirded out and all. The next morning Rob comes out of the bed room and heads for the kitchen stepping on some walnuts in the living room. He thinks it’s Laura getting even with him for the teasing he gave her the night before.

In the kitchen Laura claims not to know anything about the walnuts and proceeds the prepare to make his breakfast. There’s an egg carton on the counter and Laura asks how he’d like them. Rob says the usual and she opens the carton and there are walnuts inside.

Anyway, throughout the episode, there are walnuts everywhere. Seems the Twyloites have put Absorbitron in the walnuts and are turning humans to Twyloites. The grow eyes in the backs of their heads and lose their thumbs. Rob gets all freaked out and rushes home. When he gets there, he calls for Laura and goes to put his hat in the front closest and a mountain of walnuts pours out of the closet, knocking him down and Laura slides down the walnuts, kicking her leg in the air. Well, when I was a kid, that was about the hottest, sexiest thing I’d  ever seen on TV! Turns out, Rob’s had the nightmare and not Laura.

The day before I went to shoot I went to the store, bought a nice gift bag and filled it with

walnuts. I figured it would at least get a laugh. But as I walked to the set with my bag of walnuts I suddenly realized, Van Dyke’s 72. No way is he going to remember that episode or the significance of the walnuts. But I was committed to my course of action and forged ahead.

I get to the set and Dick and his wife are sitting there and I hand him the bag, waiting to deliver a long explanation. He opened the bag, laughed and says “Walnuts! You know when we were shooting that episode –“ and my jaw hit the ground. “ – We had these huge gunny sacks of walnuts on the set for a week. Everybody was eating the walnuts, cast and crew, and by the end of the week, we were all constipated!”

I was in heaven! Here I am, about to do a scene with one of my idols and he’s telling me a thirty-plus year old anecdote about my favorite “Dick Van Dyke Show” episode! It was amazing.

We go to shoot the scene and, sure enough, there’s a wheel chair! We knocked it out in two of three takes. After I did all my paper work I went to his trailer and knocked on the door. When he came to the door I said, “Mr. Van Dyke, this was my first professional gig and I wanted to thank you.” To that he replied “Come on in.” I was stunned. “Excuse me?” I said. “C’mon in.” So I went in.

Now I can’t tell you what the hell we talked about, but I spent about a half an hour with him before he was called back to the set. I drove home in a kind of daze. Then I yelled at myself! I could have asked him about the Dick Van Dyke Show! Mary Poppins! Any number of things and didn’t...

But then I realized it was just two guys from the Illinois sitting and chatting.

Who could ask for anything more?